Emily Haines

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Emily Haines Empty Emily Haines

Post  Wasp on Fri May 27, 2016 10:26 am

[Character Name]

[<Emily 'Forrest/Guardian' Haines>]

Emily Haines Emily_haines_by_allish







[<Dirty Blonde>]

[<Dark Green>]


[Toronto, Canada.]

+ [<Kind/Outgoing/Friendly/Empathetic>]
+ [<Basic knowledge in combat>]
+ [<Basic medical knowledge>]

- [<Young>]
- [<Weak>]
- [<Naive>]

Well, new place, new chapter, new start. I hope. No idea what this station is like, apart from it being small, I don't mind that, so long as the people are friendly. I think it's safe to say I don't know anyone here. I'll have to find a place to stay, and an source of income, God knows bullets are running short from paying that caravan here. I'll have a look around, meet some people and write some more tomorrow.

Well, I found a pace to stay, that's always good, was doing rounds on all the markets here, and boy, they like their alcohol, waste of bullets to me, but hey, I can understand why people drink down here. No job as of yet, and as such I'm not getting any food, Always need to keep emergency bullets, you know that yourself. Not really that hungry, I'm pretty used to days without meals. But, I'm warm and have a home. And that will do for now.

Day-3 *The writing is bigger, much more looped neatly and joined together.*
Today, well, I don't know what happened today, was in the market, that's when I met James. He's young, like me, and equally as nervous. I, well I don't know how I feel about him, but it's not bad, it's actually very good. We sat in our- I mean my home and talked, for hours. It was really nice. Looks like I finally have someone to share with, I'm not lonely anymore.

I am in love with James. It's not such a shock, I kinda saw it coming, but...I've only known him a day and I feel like this. What else can it be but love? I know he feels the same way, because he kissed me. It was a long time coming, just staring at each other until it happened. I've been kissed before, but not like this, there was something in it, or maybe I'm just reading into this too deeply .

Day-5 *Writing is tiny, very untidy and not joined together, some punctuation is missing.*
It was just another day me and James. I'm certain I love him now, and I know he loves me, we'll be together forever. But that isn't what I want to write about. I'm writing about Nadia. We were talking me and James a girl walked into our room, a young girl, in her teens. She was beautiful, and she was scared, that was obvious. We invited her in, and tried not to scar her further. She showed me her arms.
*The sentence is broken by the words THAT BASTARD in block capitals.*
She then proceeded to hug me, I don't know, I held her close, I wasn't letting go anytime soon, I was going to protect her.
We talked quietly some more, James stood guard on the door while I stayed holding her, she told me her name. Nadia. It's a beautiful name, don't you think? Nadia. Then she asked me....she asked me to be her mother. I said yes, instantly, and would do so again. How could I say anything else? I wouldn't want to. I would hold her forever if I could, if it kept her safe and loved. I've always wanted a daughter, but....am I ready for this? There is no doubt how much I love her and how far I would go to protect her but...am I doing everything right? Is she happy? Is she got enough to eat? Is she warm enough? Does she feel loved? Does she feel safe? I know the answer to the last one, and it's "No." She doesn't feel safe, she doesn't feel safe in the station, and she doesn't feel safe with me.
I've failed. I'm not a good mother, I'm trying my best, I want her to be happy. I want EVERYTHING for her.
But I've failed, Sea has the job and I don't, I know he wants the same thing as I but...so I can't feed her. I don't know how to keep a teenager happy so I can't keep her happy. I don't have a weapon, to stop bastards like Michael come in and scare her, I can't keep her safe.
*The writing breaks off, into large letters, still every untidy, the pages are wet in places, obviously from tears.*
DAMNIT, I can't do ANYTHING!. I WANT her to be happy. I WANT her to be safe but I CAN'T. I'm trying and I JUST CAN'T DO IT FOR HER. Why can't I be a good mother? Why can I not hold this child and give her what she NEEDS. I'm PATHETIC and I KNOW it. I've FAILED. I've failed her, I've failed James. What do I need to do? How can I make this all okay? I need to make this all okay, I need to protect her, I need to. I will.

A man stopped me today, I was asking about the STALKERS and he overheard, he said he would see what he could do.
It's no good, he told me they aren't taking people. I...just feel numb. I wanted, no I needed, that job. I need the bullets to pay for Nadia....God why does life do this? All I want is my family to be safe.
The man, the man I was talking too, gave me some supplies, some food and some medical stuff. I can't verbalize what that means to me, I can feed my daughter for one more day. If she gets sick, I can help her. This truly wonderful.
*the writing is tiny, scrawled and untidy*
James is missing. He wasn't at home, I don't know where he could have gone, he usually tells me about his job.

It was those bastards. The Reich. They took James and now they have taken me. I don't know that they want. But I'm stuck in these cells...and have been for hours now. I can't hear anything, I'm alone, with my thoughts, with my fears.

I've been here....I don't know how long now. No food, that's fine. No water, that's bad. Really bad. I must be getting delirious because I swear I can hear things moving in here.
Light. Sudden, unforgiving, relentless light, for about five seconds. They threw someone else in here with me, Jake his name I found out. I undid his binds, that was pretty hard. But I did it. Now the door is shut, and I'm left to the muttering of a German and my thoughts. I can't stop thinking about James, and if it's not James, its the thirst. Is he okay? Is he even alive? What the fuck do the Reich want? I don't know and I pray to God I never find out.
Time is fussy, or maybe it's just me, I can't...think right. My body doesn't want to move anymore, but I make it, gotta keep moving. I can't sleep, I'm so tired, but when I close my eyes, I say James in pain, or dead. I see Nadia alone, I see myself, a failure. I can't sleep. I won't sleep.

They let my out. I had to go through the tunnels...alone. I swear, there is something moving in the dark. Watching me. Haunting me.
I'm home, but no-one is here. James is gone, they must have killed him. How can I live without him? I can't, a James shaped hole has been ripped out of my heart and I'm bleeding out faster than I want to think about. I'm sorry James, I'm sorry Nadia, I've failed you, again. I couldn't save you. I love you both, I love you.

HE'S HERE! James is alive! I can't believe it! They let him go! Just like they let me go! I...I can't write, not now, I'm going to show James how much I love him, how I never want to part from him again.

I did it. I made him happy. But I’m not done. I still have something beautiful to give…
He’s still asleep, and I’m still awake. I can’t sleep. I’m so tired but….I’m really too old to be afraid of the dark. I can still feel it though. I honestly don’t want these lights to go out. The darkness is still clinging to me; inside me….the darkness is my enemy.
I keep seeing a dark figure at the edge of my vision; a shadowy spectre of black mist. Is it perhaps, a figment of my over-taxed mind?
I saw Jake today. Remember Jake? The guy in the cells? Yeah, I saw him. He’s a decent guy, I like him. But…well he confessed his feeling toward me. But I’m with Sea. I’ll always be with Sea. Jake didn’t take it well, he was so sad, and angry.
I heard screaming today, so I ran down into the market. I saw…I saw Jake, beating this woman. Just wailing on her over and over until his knuckles were red and wet with blood. Not even if I lived to be a thousand will I forget the look in his eyes. The look of hate.
JAMES! They hurt James, they hurt my Sea! It was Jake, Jake and the Reich leader; they came in and beat him up and took him away. Then Jake turned on me; I’ve never been in so much pain. But I’m okay, I have to be okay. For James. Assuming he is still alive.
What plagues me is the question; why? Why is all this happening to us? Am I not allowed a normal life? Am I not allowed to be happy?


They forced me to take my top off. That was horrible, but they didn’t touch me. I still belong to Sea. They wouldn’t let me and James speak through the cells, the only time they allowed us to talk was to proclaim the leader as “HERR FUCKING KOMMANDANT”. Those bastards cut my hair! I looking like a fucking boy! I HATE THEM!

I am getting stronger.

I am beginning to feel the pain. The hunger, the thirst. Once again I’m in this dark cell, I’ve spent more time here than I have my own home. That is not a comforting thought. There is the perks though; my hearing and my smell are becoming sharper. But I can’t see anything, and I don’t have James. I HATE IT HERE; I JUST WANT TO GO HOME!!

*The following page is so wet with tears it becomes hard to read what is written*
The said I can see James tomorrow. I can't wait tomorrow. I need tomorrow. I pray for tomorrow. I need to TRY and sleep. I need my strength for tomorrow. I need strength for James...tomorow there will be James...tomorrow.....I...fear...Nadia...love me...James....both...Love....James


They put James in here with me. I am so happy. He is everywhere, I can smell him, I can hear him. His voice…he could lie to me and I wouldn't care. I just need to hear his voice. I’m so glad we are together.

I AM HOME! The Kommandant let me out, then we had a change of heart and let James out too. But we got lost in those tunnels, with one flashlight. It was....bad. It just added to my terror. But we're home now. And I hope we never leave. I'm off to find Nadia. If she is still here. I pray to God she is okay.


I found Nadia today, and she didn't trust me, she was...colder, but...she thought I abandoned her. Here I am complaining about Reich torture while this child is left alone without warning in this hell hole, for days. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! FUCKING HELLL EMILY, GROW UP!!!

So I'm lying in the medbay. Why you ask? Well, I went out to sell some stuff, and as soon as I walked out? Knife to the gut. I swear it was the single most painful experience of my life. I was so sure I was going to die....but I'm alive.

You know? I don't want to sound like a bitch but, looking over these days. But, maybe if one thing can go right of me? I mean seriously. There is not a day here where my life doesn't get fucked over in some way. So far I've been tortured, beaten, starved and stabbed. Lets add to the list! Maybe I can get burned shot and poisoned before life stops playing around and finally kills me. Cause that's what it feels like; my reward for escaping a situation where I can get killed is to be thrown into a situation where I face the EXACT same dilemma.


Well...I did it. I've finally given James everything. Everyone who I talked to as a child said it would hurt. And it did, it hurt quite a lot. But I don't care; I'm a woman now, and I belong to Sea.

*This writing section is large and very badly written*
I really REALLY hope I'm not pregnant.


A guy slapped me on the ass today. I punched him in the mouth and told him "That was me asking nicely" I'm not usually violent, but guys like that freak me out. I also met another girl, she's really nice. Serena her name is. I really like her. We're going to start up a book shop, she will write the news. I on the other hand will write fiction, I believe the news is around people and they need an escape. So I'll write fiction for them.

I went scavenging with some STALKERS. They paid me twenty bullets and gave me a light and mask. I hope I can become one of them. But when in the tunnels, there was a dark one...it whispered to me...horrible things. I have never felt so scared, another thing to fear. And by God do I fear those...things.

I'm horrible! A mutant attacked me in the tunnel. Fucked up my left side, it looks bad, it won't kill me but...I can never let James see these scars, he won't want me anymore, he'll leave me. I'm ugly and I want to die.


There was a mutant attack today, I'm glad I joined the Hansa guard. I bought myself a Clock and did my part. I also rescued Sea as well. I was scavenging, and I found him with no battery left. I'm glad I found him, before something else did.


How can I put into words what happened tonight? I comforted, or at least tried to comfort, Serena. I told her she can stay with us. Which she can. I would love another girl to talk to. I hope we'll be good friends. But, talking to Serena set Nadia off. She thought I didn't care about her and she was just so upset. Why can't I help her? God I failed again.

I gave Nadia this diary, told her to read Day 5. I needed her to see how much she means to me. And she did. Do you know what she said to me? She threw her arms around me and said "I love you mum..." I...I honestly don't know what to write down here. To whoever is reading thins, even myself. Know that you cannot comprehend the power in those words.

I'm so damn happy. I'm a STALKER. Can you believe it? An actual fucking job. It's great. The boss? Slavik? He's a really good guy. Cares about his people. He came in and gave me some heavy clothes and light Kevlar, but hard to move in it but it will protect me.

Serena came by, asked me to go out scavenging. I agreed and went with another STALKER, found a pair of old boots, it was really weird.

In the med bay AGAIN. Why you ask, again? While scavenging, my first job, I got shot. But the Reich. I FUCKING HATE the Reich. But thank God for my Kevlar, saved me life. But it hurt. Got me right in the lower back and it really hurt. I thought being stabbed hurt? Try getting shot. Well, just another fear. I'm getting a lot of them. Its another way life fucked me over off the list. All that's left is burned and poisoned. Christ this really isn't funny. I understand I have to fight for what is mine, but why does it have to be ALL THE TIME?!

So yeah, the pain. That's been a constant in my life. Slavik patched me up good though, I owe my life to him, he really is a true friend, and I am in his debt. He is away now, to fight the Reich, I told him not to go...stubborn bastard. I'm just so tired..I have NO energy, just..more scars, more effort. More pain.


I was taking to James, he said he saw my scars while I was in the med bay. I can't believe it. He's seen the mess that is now my body. He says he still loves me, but I know, I KNOW he is disgusted. Why wouldn't he be?

Maybe he isn't.

We've been robbed, I didn't even notice but James told me it happened yesterday. My Journal is still here, guess they weren't interested in that. Good. But they took some food we had, and most of our spare clothes. Kinda perverted if you ask me. We still have all our money, or what little of it anyway. Does this not end? I can't even be safe in my own home. I already can't sleep because of the nightmares, but this is it. I'm not sleeping. Gotta stay awake, gotta stay safe.


So today: Well Slavik came back, such a relief. I was so sure he would die, I'm glad he didn't. He was hurt though, stubborn bastard he got hurt because of me. I took the bullet out myself, he was hit in the leg. I still feel as if I've got the blood on me, it's my fault. All my fault.

James was bad. REALLY BAD. Slavik told me he met a Dark One, and now it was inside his mind. I can believe that, I met a dark one, he whispered to me, he still does...anyway, James was really bad. I though...I thought I was going to lose him, but I think I saved him, he calmed down when I was there. I was so worried about my Sea. Please God, don't make me have to go through something like that again.

My left hand still hurts. I left when James was sleeping and I just felt...angry. The pain results from me punching a wall. Fucked up my knuckles but I don't care. I wasn't there for James, and I couldn't do anything about him, or protect him. God dammit. Just...fuck I don't know. I honestly don't know.


It's cold in here. I'm in the dark tunnels looking for...well I don't know what I'm looking for. But I'm cold and alone, just the way I want to be right now. It's finally hit me I don't have any control over my life.


To be honest, today was pretty...well no it wasn't I'm lying through my teeth. So I found two guys wanting to scavenge, as a good little STALKER I went with them to make sure they were okay. They were, we sat by a fire and talked. Mostly about the dangers here. They told me their names and Jay and Nicholas. I made the joke to Jay about being Jay Gatsby. I don't think he got it. But Nicholas was interested in the Dark Ones. I told him what I knew...and what it was like to face one. Then, the guy who was with the STALKER and I when the Dark one came joined us. He's a pretty good friend. We sang in French for a while. Feels strange, signing in French again, or even singing at all; reminds me of old times.

Got back to the station, and the leader of this "Civilian Guard" needed help with a "hostage" situation. I kindly explained to him that I was a STALKER not a solider but I helped anyway, it's what I do. Situation was defused easily.

So I saw Zion today. You know? The guy who slapped me on the ass but only did it because he's lonely? YEah, him. He's a bandit apparently. He offered me a drink before pulling a gun on me, didn't have time to get to my own. He took some bullets off me and forced me on my knees and to face the wall. I was so sure it was the end. But he only knocked me out.

As Zion was taking me away to...God knows where, apparently some guy called "Yuri" stepped in, got shot but he saved me. I think he will be fine though, hopefully.

Christ my head still hurts. Mon Dieu. Pourquoi est-ce toujours moi? Je ne peux pas avoir un jour normal?


Well this morning nothing happened, made a few bullets and got talking to a Ranger. Ranger seemed pretty down to be honest. Just standing there all day, no one to talk to. But at the same time I got the feeling he didn't really want to socialize. That's fine, just hate to see anyone unhappy.

The evening was when it got interesting. All guards (me included) got asked to be in the station and everyone was organised. I thold them straight up. I'm a STALKER and that comes first, but I'll defend the station if I need to. As a result I become the medic. YAY! I hope my limited medical experience comes in useful. Well we all got organised and kitted out, that was pretty fun. I got a UC and a AK. I've got some ammo and a Gali to give to James as a present. Fucked up present for your boyfriend right? A gun? Fucking Metro.

Well isn't that just Dandy. Got a nice visit from the Reich. They remind me how I love being called a whore constantly. Fucking hell, they were coming out with shit like "We don't kidnap anyone" Yeah, say that to my fucking hair. Bunch of cunts. A peace treaty was singed and they fucked off before I lost it and put a bullet through their skull. YOu believe it? He said to me women aren't strong. Well fucking take off your amour and put down your guns. I'll do the same and we'll see who's stronger. Bitch. FUCK I HATE THE REICH.


Sea liked his present. I'm glad, he was really happy. That made me happy. But he's gone. On a trip to another station for a few days. Nadia is with her new friend. I'm glad she is, Nadia needs someone of her own to be around, I haven't met this girl but if Nadia likes her she must be decent. So James and Nadia are gone, and I'm writing this in dying candle light. And the worst part is? I can't sleep. Every time I sleep, I have nightmares and wake up shaking. And every time Sea is there for me, to comfort me. Not tonight. I can't take going to sleep, to wake up in fear only to find myself alone. God it's so cold in here. So quiet. I hate being alone. I hate it.

Fuck it, I'm starting to get cramp. I'll go into the Dark tunnels. Don't know what I'll find, don't really care.


Holy shit. So the Reich attacked, and took over the station. Fucking glad I was out, I could have died. Fuck everyone I know....Serena? Nadia and her friend? Pat and Yuri? Slavik? Christ, they could all be dead. ALL OF THEM. No, I can't think like that, I'll just have to stay here, find James in the tunnels on his way back, and see if anyone else made it out. Jesus what happened? Yeah defend the station, that's me alright. Jesus they must think I'm a coward. Maybe I am. I get the horrible feeling that my inactivity has caused the death of everyone I love. I'm a failure. Again. You would think I'd be getting used to it. I'm not.


If it wasn't for hate, I'd be dead by now.


I don't even know where to begin. Ran into the station, into our home, saw James. He was pretty fucking scarred, coming back to this random shit. Role reversal right there. I'm usually the scarred one and James is the one that keeps us safe and strong. Not this time, he was scarred, so I had to be strong for him. And I was. Was coming down the ramp, met that prick Keith. If I haven't mentioned Keith before it's because he really is worthless to me. So he was all like "Hey, I fucked you two over and got the Reich to capture you. How about some bullets or I'll do it again?" Well I pretty much told him what he could do with himself.

So we went to Redline, they seemed wary at first. But not until Serena saw us. You know she's a lieutenant now? Yeah, pretty amazing, impressed the right people, got to high places. She offered us a job, I turned her down, I'm not a communist. Wait, that's incorrect of me, they're not communist. They're Totalitarian and I'm not for that. Won't bash them, if they'll go at the Reich. Guess who was waiting for us? Yep, Keith. He's a dealer, deals for both sides, but he;s Reich and I know it. He seems so determined to hurt us, me an James. I have no idea why, we did nothing to him, nothing.

So me and James got sent under this bridge, along with this other guy. We were chatting a bit before the other guy left. I nearly attacked James. Looking back I'm kinda surprised, I was just all over him, before he reminded me if we took off our clothes the cold would kill us. Opps.

We went back to Redline, Selena gave me STALKER gear, that was really nice of her. Like, REALLY nice. But no time to chat there either, some mutants attacked, the gate open, I raised by AK, and fired. Never fired a gun before, wasn't sure what to expect, but I think it was the noise. I STILL have tinnitus, hardly heard James afterwards. I put down three of those fuckers, I was terrified. But James, as always, was amazing. He just walked over and hit my lightly in the arm, instantly making everything okay. God I love James.


Well, today. Life of a STALKER, I went out scavenging. Didn't get shit, except a mutant clawing at me with three more chasing me. I got to Redline safely, but I had to use the last of my AK ammo. I was saving that ammo for a rainy day, but the way this days going it must be pouring outside. Not that I'd know anything about that. I'm still stuck in these catacombs.

Well I met James in the tunnel, that was pretty good. Again, the cold. God dammit. Further ahead we met Slavik. Where he gave me a full clip for my AK, that was pretty sweet. Oh and I got a glock, guy selling it away for 4 bullets, works fine though, wonder why it was so cheap. Is it haunted?

We can't go home. I asked the Rangers, apparently the station is neutral, but still to dangerous to go home. I want to go home. I miss home. James got mad and walked away from me. I couldn't believe it, I thought....I thought he was mad at me, that he would leave or was leaving. I was so terrified. Why am I so scarred all the time? Its constant, fear. Fear.


Well...that was amazing. I was afraid James wouldn't want to do it, still don't know if he liked it. But, that just felt too good. Seriously, I'll have to thank him for that. Just, when I get my breath back.


Want to know how pissed I am? VERY. So the Redline now have the station, all Recih have been wiped out apparently, and the Redline are keeping this station tighter than my ass. I mean seriously. Redline stopped me to the tunnels "Where are you going?" I've got STALKER gear and gas masks, where the fuck do you think I'm going? So I had to get a passport for entry and exit. So got one of them, got a few things. Sea came with me, after we got his passport too. Thing is, he got really bad. In the dark tunnels he took a turn, cause of the Dark One still inside him. I always get them, but I've been in so long I'm used to the whispers. But he wasn't I had to take him back, dragged him to our house and tried to help him. And you know what happened? Redline soldiers came in, and demanded our weapons. Now, you might be thinking "Fair enough" But, when you walk into a house, see a woman crying over a man that has a fever and looks like he is in agony, I'm pretty sure your first reaction isn't to demand something or detain the people. Fucking Totalitarians.

So they took our guns and I broke my knuckles, Sea got better after I gave him some medicine. But I wasn't going to go to sleep without my guns, getting them off the general wasn't easy, but I convinced him. Just been such a long day. Just one stress after another.

Day 26

So what happened today? Nothing much, talked to Slavik and his new...well his new play mate. She was harping on about killing Reich. I mean, don't get me wrong. I hate the Reich, but to kill someone? It was the way she acted, like the knowledge of taking another life meant nothing to her, it was disturbing. And anyway, since when did STALKERS raid? We're scavengers, not bloody soldiers. So the woman got mad and walked away, being beaten in the argument. It doesn't make sense to me, how people can kill so easily.


Well...that hurt....a lot. I mean, it was nice, and I'm the one who suggested it but....ow...I'm bleeding, my arms, and my chest. Covered in our blood. I didn't know he was so violent. I like it. But....it was strange, it was sore, but it was really nice. Will have to do that again. Oh, and James, if I die and you end up reading this, or if you read it in my sleep. I love you.

So, we’re moving Station, just me and James. I wasn’t very good at goodbyes. Never got to say it to either of my parents, might be a bit cold but I think we’ll just leave. Yeah. For the best. I’ll add more to this in…well whatever station we are next in.

At this new station, can’t mind the name, even pronounce it. It doesn’t matter, it’s a big ish station, with shitty small rooms. But I don’t mind, we had a look around. Had to buy a passport which we did, a bit expensive but now we’re both looking for work.

I’m damn tired, we have some fields here that need working on. The pay is shit and it lasts hours. But it’s done and we can eat. We sat at the bar, watched a few traders come in and sell there wares. Some of the prices were expensive. Got friendly with a Ranger though, and the station guards aren’t total dicks.

YES! I had to go through hard training but finally. I’m a Ranger, I’m pretty sure my STALKER experience helped. This is good, not only will I be able to get some money that we really need, I can get more friendly with the Station guards. It pays to have friends.

Day 31/32
I killed a man today. Only a few days ago I was going on about not killing. I honestly don’t know what to write in here. I don’t feel sad, I just…numb. They guy attacked me in the tunnels, had a knife. I shot him in the leg, but he just lunged and I pulled the trigger. I couldn’t stop staring at what was left of his face…I’m okay. I just need to shake this off. I’m going to patrol the tunnels. The cold always helps me think.

We’re moving on, I had to give up my Ranger post for this station so we could move out. Going to a bigger, better station hopefully. Hired a caravan with some other people.

New station! Riga! Looks nice, I like it. So what did I do first? You got it. Joined Rangers. Had some problem though, a STALKER and a Bandit was giving me some shit. Shot the bandit in the knee, not comfortable with that yet. Does it ever get better? Anyway, the STALKER killed him by sending an air bubble to his heart, good work. There was this girl, Alexandra, she seemed nice, she helped me. But of course, you don’t get “Nice” in the Metro. Her and her crew took over the station, exiling all Rangers from it. They claim to be good guys, but good guys don’t fight other good guys right? So it was leave or get shot. I chose the former. I’m now at a station not far from Riga. They said I could still go there to trade, just not stay there. I guess I’m fine with that. We’ll see how it goes. Quel dommage que nous restons tous ces choses cassées fragiles.

*FH RP Section*


So, arrived in 'Vel' Station, or rather, I was sent here. Neural station and pretty calm, apart from the very fucking obvious Reich and Red checkpoints at either side of the tunnels, well fuck it. Three years now I've been a Ranger, since James and Nadia...well, no point in dwelling on the past here, too painful.

Well first off today I met my Ranger buddy Vernov, he seems like an alright guy. I also met a girl called Sasha, teenager by the look of it but she new what she was doing with weapons, gave me a sidearm and made my AK all nice and shiny. I miss my silenced M4, it was great, but the fates aren't that kind in that it seems I can never get, much less hold on to what I want.


So the Reich made a nice visit today, you know, the "Your hair is blonde and your eyes are green, you're not Russian, let us rape and kill you!" I like those conversations, make me feel so loved. Well it was a neutral station and there were three of them so, no fighting them today, have I mentioned before in this how I hate the Reich? They never change.

So I met another Ranger today, York. He's about the same age as me, I think, or a bit younger, because Christ he was gagging for a taste of Sasha. Okay that was a bit dirty, he probably just fancies her, which I find adorable.

Got an upcoming mission for Vernov and I to go on, involves going to the surface. I've been a few times, I like it though, reminds me of going into the cold tunnels when I was a STALKER as a girl, the cold helps me think. But the surface is far more deadly, and I can't spent too long there, but it should be good nonetheless.


So York died. I'm still not sure how that happened, he went to the Reich base to make peace and got shot to hell. I mean, the fuck do you expect? They're Reich...anyway, I'm sorry to lose another Ranger, didn't know him much but still, apparently Vernov shot the Reich guy who came back with the body. Good, another dead cunt.

Sasha was not in a happy mood though since her boyfriend died, which is understandable, so I tried to calm her down, which was working fine until a...Dark One I guess? Started fucking with everyone's minds, hearing things and stuff. I handed it okay...seen them before but, what got me is I thought I heard Nadia again, which as we all know is impossible, so that kinda messed me up. But I wasn't the only one hearing things. Sasha met her dear old Dad (who's a fucking idiot) and then went off into the tunnels to play with the Dark One alone, and her Dad let her (hence why he's a fucking idiot). So I went and got Sasha back, but she wasn't listening to me and rambling about needing to go to another station to find her boyfriend, which again, we all know is impossible. The dead don't get back up.

Moving on a few hours, I've got Sasha's Dad come up to me like "You're a Ranger, can you go out into the tunnels and protect Sasha?!" To which I reply "Sure! Hell it's in the Rangers job description 'Professional babysitter'. But fuck it I'm not that cold, so I said yes and went to the tunnel doors, this guy Oleg kept following me, saying we should kill the Dark One and all that. Nice plan there mate. So there was a Reich at the Tunnel doors screaming for help cause he was getting haunted, I was at the door controls and I really thought about letting him die and not opening the doors, but Christ, only I can look at a man screaming and whimpering for so long. I gave in an opened the doors, I fucking hate the Reich more than anyone, but I'm not a monster, I can't just leave a man in that condition out there, he appreciated the assist so hopefully they doesn't strangle me in my sleep, and not in the kinky way either.


So in the small hours of the morning Vernov are heading topside to do this mission, will write more when I get back, fuck I'm tired.


So today I was out on the surface with Vernov. The surface was really...beautiful, in a weird way. Yeah everything is destroyed and clouds cover everything, but at least it makes a change from the Tunnels, plus I felt actual fresh air, even if it was through a gas mask.

So we blew up a Mutant den, met some STALKERS too and had a chat with them. However we were nearing the station, Vernov's home station apparently, when some happy-go-luck trigger finger sniper took a shot at Vernov, got him right in the shoulder. I dragged him into the station while the guards dealt with the sniper. The doctor at the clinic was really busy, hell I don't envy his job, line was all the way out the door; but it meant I had to patch the shoulder wound up myself, which wasn't so bad, just took a while. It was agreed we should bunker down in that station for a day before returning. So we had to share a bed, which I didn't mind since it's cold and I've slept in a lot worse as a Ranger. But I kinda got this creepy vibe from him. He was all like "Hey, mind if you pillow your head on my arm?" "Hey, mind if I put an arm around you?" "Hey, mind if I grind my erection against your ass?" But he didn't try anything and it seemed friendly, but I'll keep my eye out. I didn't sleep to well and he had a nightmare and had to wake up, so we were both pretty tired when we returned to the Home Station.


A fair amount happened today; you know that Reich guy I talked about a few days ago, the one I let in from the Dark One? Yeah well he pulled a knife on some guy, Pytor or something, obviously he was having none of it and shot him dead in the station; which, is fair enough, you don't just attack someone and not expect there to be consequences. Well, apparently that guy deserted from the Reich, so he was a dead man walking anyway, Law and I talled to Pytor about weapons and neutrality and all that.

After that Law and I went to see the Reich commander, and made peace with him. Deal is, they keep their business with the Reds, and leave the Rangers and the Station alone. Now, we were all clear that everyone can enter the station, but it's neutral, so no fighting. The Reich guy apologized for York's death and we apologies for killing the guy who killed York. Confused yet?

Tonight was okay, had this music concert thing and Vernov played guitar and I got to play some piano, which felt totally weird, it really has been a while but I fucking love it so much. Then we went to a bar for a few drinks, seemed to be all fine but we were constantly interrupted by needing to sort shit out, life of a Ranger I guess. All in all, can't really complain and will write again tomorrow.


So, today I found that Oleg is now the leader of the station guard, though still agrees that Rangers have control too. That's a good thing, the Rangers are few and far between I'm glad the station now has some guards. So I was telling him about how to make Station rules and place them around the station and stuff, which he did with a guy called Alex. Oleg is...a bit strange, not in a psycho way, but he's very two-faced. He'll agree with what you're saying, then turn on you the next minute, which I don't like, so I'll keep an eye out.

In addition, Sasha is a Ranger now, which is what she wanted to be. Vernov made her one which is alright, she's a bit young though, but I can't run other people's lives for them. Speaking of Sasha, there was this old guy she liked, a sort of "father figure" type, but he basically told her to fuck off. But she grew attached anyway. This story is...convoluted; I found Sasha in the tunnels upset and tried to help, we were heading back to the station when three guys all with guns raised stopped us and yelled "Freeze!", to which my reply was "Put it down or you'll wish you're in Hell with your back broke." I mean c'mon, some guys with no armor trying it on with 2 Rangers? Fucking idiots. They told us they were getting chased by this old guy. So they went on their way and shortly after, on our radio freq, we get a call from the old guy saying he broke into Sasha's store to get the radio, only to warn us that those three guys where bandits.

I didn't trust this old guy to shit, but he came along with a Red solider, and we all went hunting for these three guys. We search the whole metro with no luck, the Old guys gets separated from us. We head back to the station to find Oleg detaining the three guys, and the Old man dead (This is the same old man Sasha was addicted to) Apparently Oleg killed him cause he was waving his gun around and shouting, which doesn't surprise me, he was dodgy as fuck. So all three guys were on the wall, till one of them decides to walk away, while he's doing that, another tries to pull a gun on me. Needless to say we pump them all full of lead and clean up the bodies. What a day eh? Truth be told, I'm still not comfortable with killing people, I don't do it very often. But that scenario was just like that other guy I wrote about. You try and kill me, don't expect me to play nice.

Ah well, going to go lie down, found a good place to stay with Law, Vernov can come join too if I ever see him, he's not been at the station lately.


So a lot happened today, I decided to man up and take ownership of the bar. I know what you're thinking, a bit of a leap, but hell I don't mind it. I spend most of my time protecting the station as a Ranger anyway, might as well serve drinks, since no one else seemed interested in doing it. So, on topic of that, there was myself, Oleg, three brothers and a Red and a lot of drinks. And that's what I want, doesn't matter what faction you are, it's a neutral station and you come to the bar to relax with friends. Well, it didn't really end that way. One of the brothers, Arytom or somthing, decided to join the Reds, to the outrage of the other two brothers. Thing is, this Arytom guy was part of the station guard. So he decided to fuck the station, and get in bed with the Reds, betraying his family in the process; got to give it to the guy, as far as fucking your situation up, he did a pretty good job of it. But it doesn't end there, no sir. The -other- brother, starts babbling on about joining the Reich! I mean Christ on a bendy bus, is this guy for real?! "Yes, I want to join the Reich and kill my own brother, he betrayed me." I mean mate, your other brother is right there asking you to stay...so -he- goes off on a merry adventure with the Reich and I'm left with the other brother and trying to help as best I can. Christ what a fucked up world.


Christ and I thought yesterday was busy. So, the brother that wants to join the Reich, we'll call him Hitler, is going about the tunnels like a good little puppy with an official Reich member, who isn't letting him join. Close to the station however, the brother who joined the Reds, Arytom, opens fire on both the Reich member, and his own brother. Does fuck all, and ends up getting blown to pieces. So Arytom is dead, Hitler thinks that's great, and a whole argument breaks out between the Reds and the Reich inside the station, and argument which I have to defuse. So everyone walks away happy and there's one less idiot with a gun running around. I feel sorry for the normal brother though, his family tearing itself apart like this.

So, the day went on from there, till Vernov needed help. Basically this group of three STALKERS got hired by the Reich to fuck shit up in the station, apparently, so Vernov put them down, along with the help of a few Reds. However, one went a bit too far and blew himself up, but didn't kill anyone. However, Vernov pounced on me and tackled me to the ground, a noble gesture to save me from the grenade but...I'm getting suspicious that he might like me. But hell, I'm not one for assumptions. Now, enter one of the most stressful times of my life. The two reds were seriously wounded, so I took them into the bar and had to patch them up as best I could, I did a good job if I say so myself, and they were both grateful. But I've not done anything to that extend before, and it took -hours- of slow, careful work. But eventually got done, but fuck am I tired.

Now, just before I went to bed, I had this guy stop me, saying he was thinking of building an outpost out in the Metro, needing some help with it, to guard it or protect it or whatever. But I'll be fucked if I'm following some strange man through the dark tunnels alone. I told him I'd think about it. Write again tomorrow.


This day started off quite quiet, I met Marcus and we decided to go scavenging in the tunnels, he told me he got robbed and lost a lot of stuff. I'll gladly help him out, and he found a few things in the tunnels too. We returned to his for a few drinks. He stays in the tunnels, in a small house he made himself, it's pretty isolated and bigger than the homes in the station, but I don't know if I'd like it or not, guess it's down to personal taste. So he was telling me how he fancies Sasha, which is cute, I wish him all the best, Sasha is nice but the word bi-polar springs to mind. Hell, not in a bad way, I think the kid's just been through a lot. She reminds me somewhat of Nadia.

So the bar was packed today, like, tonnes of Reds and normal dwellers, and hell, I was in a good mood. So I got the crates out the back and drinks were on the house, big party full of beer. They loved it, which means I did too. I didn't take up the bar to make money, that isn't my style, but seeing all that laughter and happiness from friends drinking, priceless in my eyes.

However there was a mutant attack today, which we fended off pretty well, was talking to Oleg, he's got some new guards for his Station, which is very good to hear. Was also taking to Reeves today, he's just found out about his brother Artyom, you know, the guy who joined the Reds I wrote about? Yeah, hearing news your brother pegged it can't be easy, so he wasn't much in the party mood. What also brought the mood down too was the fucking Reich and Reds at each other's throat in the bar -again-. Something I don't have time for, so I settled that quickly.

Vernov came into the bar and we were talking for a bit, before I found Marcus staggering about outside, drunk as a lord. He wanted to go back home, but I was fucked if I was going to let him go into those tunnels in that condition, so I took him to mine and Law's place. He hunkered down on Law's bed, hope he doesn't mind, and is going to sleep it off.


Day 1
So; I know it’s been a while since I’ve written in this. Perhaps too long. I’m back home, the station where I first wrote in this. I don’t know how I ended back here…endlessly searching the tunnels and stations for Sea, but nothing has turned up. Maybe I just felt compelled to come back. I’m writing this journal in the same house we had. Looks the exact same. All those years ago, and I’m here, just without my Sea.
The station is a Hansa controlled station now; one of them, the leader Dimitriy, came up to me and asked me for a passport. Since I was just new, I asked about work. He said he needed guards so I signed up and that was that. Was pretty good; now I’ve got a place to stay and a source of income all in one day, pretty good going.
I was patrolling the station, getting familiar with the sights again and watching the entrances till I got called into the barracks. Two mutants found their way in somehow, must have been through old pipes. They weren’t much trouble but still, it wasa grizzly sight. Guess I need to get used to action again.

Day 2
I don’t even know where to begin here; remember yesterday I talked about the mutants getting in through the pipes? Yeah; turns out the two well dealt with yesterday was the forerunners to a horde. They came streaming into the station en masse, killing everyone in sight. Dimitiry, my boss, was one of the first to go down. I guess my Ranger training kicked in; I managed to get a bunch of citizens to safety and started to deal with the horde; was almost certain it was the end. But here’s the thing, they didn’t focus on killing. I mean, yeah there was a lot of dead, but mostly they just ran away. Running from something maybe? Hell if I know. But since Dimitiry is dead that makes me in charge of Hansa and the station guard in this station. Christ; well, can’t keep writing. Got to deal with the rest of the bodies and try to calm the ones who are still alive.
Day 3
Well, we managed to seal and repair the pipes, me and a few members of Blackwatch, which seem to be some sort of Merc group; I had to pay them of course. Apparently a guy called Pavel wanted to take over the station, and pay them to do it. They informed me; which is damn good of them considering they could have just taken his money and shot me in the head. So we told him the score and he went on his way. I met Marcus again today; the one from the last station, he’s a good guy. It pays to have friends here, besides that I’ve mostly been guarding the station.

Day 3/4
Well…so much for guarding the station. I mentioned previously that the mutants may be running from something, and I was right. Those fucking Dark One things. Now, luckily they seem few and far between, but by the Holy Light they were not friendly. A few Rangers turned up, recognised me, and word from Polis is I’m reinstated Lieutenant, co-leading this Cell with another. Lucky me. So, that’s leader of Station guard and co-leading Ranger Cell. I’m 25; I never asked for this.
Anyway, the Dark bastards turned up and we had to high tail it out of there. Got the remaining station residents and moved to New Lev station; another Hansa controlled station. I’ve been here before, where I met Sasha. The Hansa there were pleased we helped, and as such the Rangers are on good terms with this station. I’ll write more when I have my bearings. But…shit. I miss the old station, it had Sea and I’s home. It had the Dark Tunnels. It had memories; maybe one day I’ll be back. But I’m stuck here for a while.


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